Damn Religion

Religion played a big role in my upbringing.  My father is of Hispanic descent and my mother of Korean descent, both extremely religious cultures. My parents are devout Christians and faith plays a big role in their lives too.

Growing up, I can remember dreading having to get up early on a Sunday and get ready for church.  I mean, it was junior high… the weekends were a time to sleep in, right? WRONG.  Sometimes, I would put my “religious” prowess into play and try to reason with my father and pray for lieniency;  God seemed to be more forgiving than my father.  He would come into my room, open the blinds and drag  me out of bed and say, “Get up! You’re not sleeping all day! You’re getting ready for church!”

So, my brother and I would begrudgingly dress in our quasi-Californian church dress and make it out the door at the last minute, just in time to make it before the invocation.  We would end up in church, where our pastor would “preach the hell” outta us.  Sometimes my brother and I would pass funny notes back and forth about the funny dressed girl in the second row or sometimes I’d try to distract myself with seeing how long I could hold my breath (you know, the important stuff) and sometimes I would actually listen to the sermon.  Let it be known: emotion is a powerful thing.  When someone speaks to your psyche through an emotional parable, such as Jesus did, it can be a powerful thing.  It can be especially effective sitting in a congregation with hundreds of other people in the congregation all nodding in affirmation; The phenomenon known as “groupthink” occurs. Thou shalt not steal, nod, thou shalt not lie, nod, thou shalt not be homosexual, nod, wait what?! This is when I would shrink in my seat.  I felt that my pastor was looking directly at me when he would preach against the “abomination” of homosexuality.  I would stiffen up, feel my blood beat viciously through my veins, my heart would beat in my head and sometimes I would break into an instant sweat.  But, but… I didn’t choose to be this way… I just am!  What in the world is so wrong with being gay?! I wanted to know!  The answer was simple: Because The Bible says so.

“Who wrote the Bible?”

“God”

“But isn’t God in heaven? How can he write something from heaven?”

“Well, God didn’t literally write the Bible, men did”

“But wait, I thought you said God wrote the Bible?”

“He did”

Ok, so this logic didn’t work with me that well as a kid and it raised even more questions as I grew up, but all the while one message remained clear: being gay was bad.  Because of my fear of the church, I stayed in the closet during most of my youth.  My supposedly “carefree” days were ridden by guilt, pressure and self-denial.  I based most of my major life decisions, in spite of my happiness, in order to make “God” happy and to keep my eternal soul from burning in hell.

“Are people who divorce going to hell?”

“not necessarily”

“What about murderers?”

“not necessarily, not if they have accepted the Lord Jesus as their savior”

“What about gay people?”

“Gay people are going to hell”

It’s just not fair.  Based on the fear of this man made institution, I made a LOT of decisions that actually limited myself and who I am today.  I wanted to break out of my mold and shout at the top of my lungs, “FUCK RELIGION! I WANT TO BE ME!!” But this thought would always die en route from my brain to my lips.

So, one would think, based on my feelings that I just expressed that once I went off to college, I would come out, right? WRONG.  It was so ingrained into my head that being gay was wrong, that I actually chose a VERY conservative university in order to try to “save” myself.  I surrounded myself with people who I thought could help me.  I deceived myself.

It wasn’t until after college that I moved out on my own and out of that “religious” bubble and started to see that not all people thought “like that”.  By “like that”, I mean “church thinking”. My first job after college was with a very progressive company who valued diversity and let people not only be who they chose to be, but encouraged it and supported it.  I was amazed.  This is the world I was missing? You mean I could actually be myself without having to hide who I was? You mean to tell me that not everybody was hateful and discriminatory, just because the “Bible” told them to be?  Upon this realization, I was filled with joy, disappointment, and anger.

How could an institution that tries to say it “loves” all and spreads God’s loving message, be filled with so much hate and judgment?  How can the sin of homosexuality be so horrible, when people have so called straight relationships where the success rate is 50% at BEST?! Straight people cheat, divorce, lie, kill, commit the 7 deadly sins the same, if not worse than gay people.  So, why all of this judgment? I was filled with disappointment that I didn’t stand up for myself sooner and make decisions that were the best for me and not best for the church.

After that, I decided to live MY LIFE for myself and since then, my life has changed for the better. I have found the man of my dreams, am in a relationship that most straight couples would envy and am thoroughly enjoying life.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I didn’t say my life was easy or perfect… but it sometimes seems that way. I have since then found out who my true friends are and what it means to love unconditionally.

I prayed the other day and asked God, “Why did you make me gay?  Why are people fighting over stupid trivial things instead of loving one and other like you commanded?”  You know how God responded?  He didn’t.  Maybe that is the best answer, he’ll let me discover my own path to happiness.  I just wish others would do the same and worry about their own happiness instead of trying to make others miserable. I’ve tried to be other people and it just didn’t work; Love me or hate me, this is who I am…and I know God still loves me and that is all that matters.

Advertisement