Wicked Tricksy

While I was out the other day performing chores and what not, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cute boy.  I turned my head to look again and thought to myself, “Meh, he’s not too bad.” Upon closer inspection, I realized that the “boy” was actually a girl and I felt all ________ inside.

Never forget who you always wanted to be.

Last week,  I was sitting at my desk at my new job thinking to myself, “What ever happened to my dreams and goals?’  You know, those things that I had set for myself when I was younger. I was supposed to be a diplomat, or a scientist or traveling abroad attempting to unravel strange and ancient languages. Instead, I was sitting in front of a laptop at my desk connecting bunnies with wavy pencil lines.  At what point do people just give up on their dreams for the practicality AND reality of life?  When did I trade in my dreams and goals for just existing?  There was unfinished business in my life: goals to accomplish, a checklist to finish, places to visit, degrees to obtain, and last but not least, self-worth to realize.

If I had “it” to do all over again, would I have done things differently? Yes.  I was a very different person in my adolescence.  I was motivated to accomplish my goals and tasks that I had set out for myself in my youth, however somewhere during college while I was “discovering” myself I fell into the dangerous cycle of complacency.  I had lost my drive to accomplish, I had lost my desire to become what I had always wanted to be.  I was just happy… existing. What the fuck happened?

As I started my first job after school I was too busy discovering my “gayness” to even care about the future and what it held.  There will always be tomorrow to finish the next thing on my life’s “to do” list or next year to obtain that PhD that I had always wanted to get.  I was drowning in a sea of apathy and too complacent to care…  If you would have asked me how I was doing back then, I would have sat you down and looked you in the eyes and described the water enveloping me and how I was thrashing about to keep my head afloat, all the while having a smile on my face.  Before I knew it, my 20′s were gone.

Birthdays are a good reality checks.  This May, I will be turning 34.  Where the FUCK did the first third of my life go? I am entering the “middle ages” and my checklist is far from complete.  I have been complacent for too long.  My halcyon days were my 20′s, therefore I will have to make up for my lack of discipline with my 30′s.  Will I ever accomplish my dreams and goals? Perhaps not, but if I don’t even try then a big chunk of my life would have been in vain.

Perhaps I subconsciously lit a fire under my own ass, perhaps I had had enough.  Whatever the reason, after completing my last page of arithmetic at work, I stood up at my desk, placed my work cell phone next to my laptop and walked out of work… for good. I was scared to death and it was one of the hardest things I have had to do, but it was the right thing to do for myself.  For the first time in a long time, I am finally doing what I want to do again and it felt good.  With my actions I have set wheels in motion and this time they are even in the right direction. I have a plan… a vague one, but a plan nonetheless. The husband was telling me about his work and that he has to take a “back to basics” class.  I smiled inside; It seems that I’m not the only one realizing that “this is not where I had intended to be.”

Lead us not into temptation…

The other day, I was looking over statistics regarding the divorce rate among heterosexual couples;  I found it quite disturbing.   I remember an instance back in sixth grade when one of my teachers was conducting a poll of some sort and asked the class a few questions:  “How many of you have moved at least once in your life?”  About half of the class raised their hands.  He looked around and then asked the next question: “How many of you have parents who are divorced?”  This time almost two thirds of the class raised their hands in affirmation.  I don’t remember the specifics of what we were talking about, but the results of this impromptu poll, were clear:  Divorce was the new norm. 

I used to take it for granted that my parents had always been together.  Growing up in the church, this all seemed to make perfect sense, but I never understood how two people who vowed to love each other forever and ever were able to just one day absolve each other of their vows and move on with their lives with other people… until I hit puberty. 

Sexuality is a crazy beast.  There are all sorts of arguments on all sides in regards to human sexuality.  Some say that man is not made to be with one person alone, others say that once you commit to somebody, that’s it!  Love, lust, desire, infatuation are crazy emotions.  Some say that in order to love, you must not follow your heart, but your mind… Is this really true?

They also go on to say that in order to be truly happy, you must find your soul-mate.  Now, I’m not sure if I actually believe in “soul-mates”, but I do believe that there is somebody out there for everybody.  It may take some time, and in this day and age, patience is definitely a lost art.   

Regardless of whether or not you are in a relationship now, one thing remains clear, there are still really attractive people out there.  Marriage isn’t some sort of panacea that will cure all of your lusts and desires.  Granted, you may find a really SMOKIN’ hot person, but there is always someone out there who is better looking.  I know, I know… I hate when people say that, because c’mon, ultimately there will be the hottest of the hot and you won’t be able to get any hotter.  But you know what? The world is too big, you’ll never find that.  

So, I know you’re reading this and thinking, “So what the fuck is he trying to say?”  My point is that when it comes down to a relationship, it comes down to trust and keeping your word.  Regardless of how much your penis or vagina is telling you that it wants to venture out and tap the first ass it sees, you need to “whip” it into shape and keep your integrity pure.  Make sure that you are true to the person you vow yourself to.  If that means a longer courting phase, then do it. 

LGBT relationships have this stigma about them that they are superficial and last only months (if that)at a time.  I know, it’s in line with straight relationships, but we’re better than that, right? (Insert head nod here)  It’s up to each and every one of us to try to get this changed.  I do admit, I am the first to say “Who are the hell are these straight people judging our relationships when they can’t even keep a faithful one of their own.” But, alas, that is the way it is…for now. 

I would just hate to see gay relationships follow the path of the old “straight” relationships and become what they are now.   Lead us not into the “straight relationship”, but deliver us from evil. 

Thanks Mom and Dad, you’ve shown me that it is possible.

Damn Religion

Religion played a big role in my upbringing.  My father is of Hispanic descent and my mother of Korean descent, both extremely religious cultures. My parents are devout Christians and faith plays a big role in their lives too.

Growing up, I can remember dreading having to get up early on a Sunday and get ready for church.  I mean, it was junior high… the weekends were a time to sleep in, right? WRONG.  Sometimes, I would put my “religious” prowess into play and try to reason with my father and pray for lieniency;  God seemed to be more forgiving than my father.  He would come into my room, open the blinds and drag  me out of bed and say, “Get up! You’re not sleeping all day! You’re getting ready for church!”

So, my brother and I would begrudgingly dress in our quasi-Californian church dress and make it out the door at the last minute, just in time to make it before the invocation.  We would end up in church, where our pastor would “preach the hell” outta us.  Sometimes my brother and I would pass funny notes back and forth about the funny dressed girl in the second row or sometimes I’d try to distract myself with seeing how long I could hold my breath (you know, the important stuff) and sometimes I would actually listen to the sermon.  Let it be known: emotion is a powerful thing.  When someone speaks to your psyche through an emotional parable, such as Jesus did, it can be a powerful thing.  It can be especially effective sitting in a congregation with hundreds of other people in the congregation all nodding in affirmation; The phenomenon known as “groupthink” occurs. Thou shalt not steal, nod, thou shalt not lie, nod, thou shalt not be homosexual, nod, wait what?! This is when I would shrink in my seat.  I felt that my pastor was looking directly at me when he would preach against the “abomination” of homosexuality.  I would stiffen up, feel my blood beat viciously through my veins, my heart would beat in my head and sometimes I would break into an instant sweat.  But, but… I didn’t choose to be this way… I just am!  What in the world is so wrong with being gay?! I wanted to know!  The answer was simple: Because The Bible says so.

“Who wrote the Bible?”

“God”

“But isn’t God in heaven? How can he write something from heaven?”

“Well, God didn’t literally write the Bible, men did”

“But wait, I thought you said God wrote the Bible?”

“He did”

Ok, so this logic didn’t work with me that well as a kid and it raised even more questions as I grew up, but all the while one message remained clear: being gay was bad.  Because of my fear of the church, I stayed in the closet during most of my youth.  My supposedly “carefree” days were ridden by guilt, pressure and self-denial.  I based most of my major life decisions, in spite of my happiness, in order to make “God” happy and to keep my eternal soul from burning in hell.

“Are people who divorce going to hell?”

“not necessarily”

“What about murderers?”

“not necessarily, not if they have accepted the Lord Jesus as their savior”

“What about gay people?”

“Gay people are going to hell”

It’s just not fair.  Based on the fear of this man made institution, I made a LOT of decisions that actually limited myself and who I am today.  I wanted to break out of my mold and shout at the top of my lungs, “FUCK RELIGION! I WANT TO BE ME!!” But this thought would always die en route from my brain to my lips.

So, one would think, based on my feelings that I just expressed that once I went off to college, I would come out, right? WRONG.  It was so ingrained into my head that being gay was wrong, that I actually chose a VERY conservative university in order to try to “save” myself.  I surrounded myself with people who I thought could help me.  I deceived myself.

It wasn’t until after college that I moved out on my own and out of that “religious” bubble and started to see that not all people thought “like that”.  By “like that”, I mean “church thinking”. My first job after college was with a very progressive company who valued diversity and let people not only be who they chose to be, but encouraged it and supported it.  I was amazed.  This is the world I was missing? You mean I could actually be myself without having to hide who I was? You mean to tell me that not everybody was hateful and discriminatory, just because the “Bible” told them to be?  Upon this realization, I was filled with joy, disappointment, and anger.

How could an institution that tries to say it “loves” all and spreads God’s loving message, be filled with so much hate and judgment?  How can the sin of homosexuality be so horrible, when people have so called straight relationships where the success rate is 50% at BEST?! Straight people cheat, divorce, lie, kill, commit the 7 deadly sins the same, if not worse than gay people.  So, why all of this judgment? I was filled with disappointment that I didn’t stand up for myself sooner and make decisions that were the best for me and not best for the church.

After that, I decided to live MY LIFE for myself and since then, my life has changed for the better. I have found the man of my dreams, am in a relationship that most straight couples would envy and am thoroughly enjoying life.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I didn’t say my life was easy or perfect… but it sometimes seems that way. I have since then found out who my true friends are and what it means to love unconditionally.

I prayed the other day and asked God, “Why did you make me gay?  Why are people fighting over stupid trivial things instead of loving one and other like you commanded?”  You know how God responded?  He didn’t.  Maybe that is the best answer, he’ll let me discover my own path to happiness.  I just wish others would do the same and worry about their own happiness instead of trying to make others miserable. I’ve tried to be other people and it just didn’t work; Love me or hate me, this is who I am…and I know God still loves me and that is all that matters.

Welcome and thanks for reading.

All of these damn ideas are running through your head.  You want to become this, you want to accomplish that, you have these great ideas running through your head but there isn’t enough time in the day.  There isn’t enough time in the day to accomplish what you want to do, there isn’t enough money to fund what you want to accomplish and heaven forbid, you might fail.

Welcome to PCBKRU.  With this blog, you’ll be able to follow the life of me, Buckie, as I dispense sage advice, commentary and my personal opinion with reckless abandon.  With this blog, I hope that you are able to look at yourself and say “You know what? I DON’T have it that bad!” or “Ah, that’s good to know.”  But overall, I hope it makes you smile. 

Thanks again for reading.

~Buckie